Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize