Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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