I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
