I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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