9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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