she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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