You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
