just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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