I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
