Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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