Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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