He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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