I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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