You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize