She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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