I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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