U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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