if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
