I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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