Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
