Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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