Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
