Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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