I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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