I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
