you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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