Taylor Swift is so right about you.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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