Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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