and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
