8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
