Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
