i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
