I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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