my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize