ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
