I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have feelings that need drinking.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
