I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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