captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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