I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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