so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
