I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
