Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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