I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
