Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think I am morally bankrupt
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
