If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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