Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
