So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
