You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
two words...techno handjob
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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