she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
