guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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