meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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