i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
