dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
