I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
