Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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