I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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