I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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