you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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