I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
