He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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