I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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