His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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