ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
