i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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